A New Feeling

As the 21st week of gestation begins, I find myself overwhelmed with this new feeling.

I am not the same Mabel before our little Claire, nor I am the one I turned out to be after she was born, nor the one after she died. I see a new me, with different new feelings and doubts about motherhood as a whole.

I do not know if I will be able to protect her from everything, not even from herself, once she is a grown up. However, while I do know that little L is ours to be - she is ours to stay - I am afraid of a shadow of my former selfs, shadows of the love for Claire. I am afraid this love could somehow overlay the love I feel for the little L inside of me. I am afraid to compare the one we lost with the one we have now.
I am afraid of this new me. I am afraid of this new feeling...


#She could also hear# The House of  The Raising Sun – The Animals

Empty

A lifeless room full of never lived moments.
The moonlight kisses my cheeks as trying to stop the sobbing. Sometimes I can feel a warm hug around me, but most of the time it is just me. Talking as if she's there. Like mother and daughter, except that my voice is the only sound one could hear.
The longing comes in waves, trigged by daily events, by daily conversations.
My womb is empty, my arms are empty. My life is losing the meaning and I lost the track of things, walking around on the autopilot.
Still, I am trying to reconnect.

Myself

It hurts knowing I've been trying so hard to fit. To belong. To do my best.
But it is never going to be good enough.
I am never going to be good enough.
I am always wrong no matter what.


I disappoint myself.

Mistake

I am a mistake.